There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
