I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
this beer tastes like vomit already
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
