Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
