I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
