I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I intend to get homeless drunk
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
