i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The air was thick with penises
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
