I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
