if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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