I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
