You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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