i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
