im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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