Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize