he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Randomize
