I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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