I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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