Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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