Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
