my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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