she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
