wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
