dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
