I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
why do cheetos always look like penises
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize