so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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