i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
