I got chris browned last night
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize