Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
