If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize