I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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