I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
