Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize