Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
