It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
