made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
