Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
