this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
