you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
