Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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