I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
