party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
