She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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