thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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