My room smells like vodka and shame
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
