The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
