Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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