On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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