Jerry, you need to find god
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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