never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
