i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
