Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
