I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
