We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
