Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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