i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
