My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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