I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize