Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize