also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
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