Pappa wants mamma naked
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
