I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
