Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize
