i think i recognize dicks better than faces
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
