on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
