Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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