I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
